Hide and seek

Friday afternoon, Rebekah is landing in 15 minutes. Message from her, my heart skips a beat, is she already there??  Have I missed her walking out the airport’s gates ???

No, I’m still on time, just a message that says she’s flying over Melbourne. She’s so close to land!! As I’m about to get dropped at the airport I look up and see a plane approaching the tarmac for landing. Think to myself. I think I saw your plane just now, you might be flying over my head.

Get dropped on time, the only thing I have to do now is wait for her to walk out the gates.

I am highly excited, I can’t wait to wrap my arms around her. 

She texts and describes in detail how the airport sucks from lack of efficiency in the passport lanes. 

I’ve seen every single passenger of every single plane that landed in the last hour walking out of these gates but her.. 

In an attempt to make her laugh and cope with the inefficient lanes I tease her with a few jokes, such as “did you have too many coffees or is it good ol’Bertha?”. Bertha is the name of her PMS…. Response:

You’re brave.. 

Throat tightens, have I awakened the beast?..

I focus on the gate, she’s walking out any moment now. But wait a second, there is another gate which other people come out of.

If I stop looking for a split second she’s gonna walk out, and if I’m staring at the wrong door I’m gonna miss her! What should I do?

No time to think, phone beeps again “where are you?”

No way, she hasn’t walked out yet, I scanned every single person walking before my eyes. 

A dramatic scene is about to unfold here.. 

“I’m out, where are you?”

Mission failed, how could I have not noticed her walking out? She must have flown under the radar..

Phone rings :

– “Where are you?”

– “I’m standing by the gate waiting for you to walk out”.

– “I AM out” (describes where she is and it looks like exactly where I am too) 

– “Do you see this person with the welcome sign?”

– “Yes I’m right next to him!”

I managed to identify her (finally) as I walked towards the sign, and then it hit me. She is so tiny that I couldn’t see her before the guy’s sign was hiding her. 

I couldn’t see her walk out the gate because of her tininess. Someone walking beside her must have hidden her in a way that I couldn’t see.

That plus focusing on the joke making was a very efficient way to miss out on her..

So there is a tutorial if you ever wonder ‘how to miss your partner walking out of the airport’, results guaranteed. 

Bex

Yes, it was hilarious that he didn’t see me walk out, perhaps I walked too fast or was camouflage.

This just makes for another fun memory for us. Over the past few months I have learnt to open up to a man like I never have before, this is the power of both of us being vulnerable and totally surrendering to Love. Scary? Fuck yes. 

In a strange dynamic world, I have also had this dual experience happening where I have been grieving a marriage break up;  house move and sale; trying to manage on my own. But more importantly, trying to navigate a sad daughter and a pushing-the-limits son. The son is coming into his own a bit and I see him stretching his creative wings, his independence, and starting to trust himself that he is good and has good ideas. I am teaching him to Love himself and I’m teaching him that adults are people too. We make mistakes, we hurt, we grieve, we get back up. 

The daughter I’m trying to support with Love and fully accepting her journey, she finds it hard to accept the break up, and finds it hard to accept Lucas. This is obviously completely normal and understandable for a child. I sometimes feel as though I’m knocking on a glass door trying to reach her. I can see her, but not hold that little hurt spirit in a healing way. My intention is to continue to heal myself and to share all the Love and learning with her, and show her what it means to Love herself, by loving myself.

Lucas has good insight and we talk through everything, even when it’s confronting and painful, especially then…

And mostly I realise that he is the person I want to talk to the most.

Number 2

Bex: 

I remember the first time I saw Lucas, it was the 19th January. There was an instant bodily reaction for me. He was walking out of the prayer room of the yoga premises with a group of monks and I naturally thought he was a monk too. I spoke briefly to him as I was leaving the kirtan that night, he told me he was working for another week and heading to Australia to live. All in all a pleasant interaction. 

The spiritual energy I had been cultivating since New Years was building up and I knew I was on the verge of something big (it will take more than a blog post to unpack that),  so I have started to write a book called Groundless. 

The next week I headed along to the full session of yoga, kirtan, and a meal. My sum culpa, my intention, for my yoga practice that afternoon was to Be Open – open to love and grace and miracles.

He was there! That was a surprise. I was so aware of him all throughout the kirtan and the talk by the yogi. As we lined up for the meal, I was compelled to approach him. I said, ‘I feel like I know you’. The rest is history really. There hasn’t been a day go by without connecting to Lucas. I have known his soul for millennia and we just found each other again in this lifetime.

Obviously in our soul agreement to find each other again we may not have considered some of the complexities we were about to face that comes with different life experience and age gap. And I can honestly say that I still don’t know how that will work out. I know that I love him. I know my nervous system is calm around him. I know that he is the first man that I have not had a doubt about the depth of connection and feelings for. I know that I have been given a beautiful gift.

There are some learnings for us for this lifetime.

I have had a spiritual breakthrough this week, an epiphany. For months I have felt guilt and shame around the break up of my marriage and family. I have felt self judgment in particular. What I have come to realise is that even if a relationship is ‘ok’ and seems to have ‘gotten better’ in the past couple of years,  it still didn’t feel right in my Soul. It was ok to end it. For no other reason. Than the fact that it is not right for my Soul. This is OK. This is self love in its highest form for me. One of the reflections that I had was that I had been going with my ‘knowing’, but my mind and conditioning made me believe that I was a person who may have gone against my values because I instigated the break up of my marriage. But what became clear to me, like a lightening strike, is that my Values include Love and Women Empowerment. These are underpinned by Courage, Compassion, and Curiosity. Therefore to go against what I knew and to carry on in a relationship that wasn’t right for me was going against my values! Mic drop moment for me.

Lucas has been away from me physically, but never spiritually, and I’ve enjoyed learning about what I can do on my own: burst pipes with a flooded house; broken washing machine; car issues; managing Airbnb, overseas student, work, kids, exercise (built my own home gym); self learning through reading and reflection, but mostly kids and relationships. I’ve loved the experience and am so grateful to feel and experience it all.

Lucas : 

Alright, feels like it’s my turn to share some background and hereabout to put perspective into the reading of our journey. 

I have been a full time backpacker for the past 10 years. Working here, travelling there, cruise along with wind. Identifying with parts of different cultures that would echo deep inside and integrate to make me remember who I am, where I come from. Like if every culture had a fragment of identity to take from to solve the Soul exploration journey. (A lifelong journey). 

Rumbling from country to country with nothing to hold me back, fully committed, relying on myself only. 

For my 23rd birthday, in a tiny village up in the mountains in Ecuador I took a statement to myself. Bought a ring that I am wearing ever since as a symbol of unity. Being One, being whole. A round ring, symbolism of cycles like night and day. Rising and Falling of Light and Darkness, the Sun and the Moon. Everything is cyclical, comes back where it started. Where does everything start ? WITHIN. 

This union with myself marked the full awareness of living for myself, with myself. Stepped into a major Healing process. With great power comes great responsibility, right? Putting myself in the first place cultivating the constant practice of selflessness acts. Do I feel right doing this ? What is my intention ? Am I coming from a place of Love, Compassion or is my Ego driving me ? 

Travelling made me become responsible, mature and capable and adaptable. Aware that everything is possible, every situation is manageable. When received from the Heart life is the most wonderful journey; when received from the Mind (conditioning) trigger always makes everything look like a struggle. 

The Inner journey Awoken. 

Let’s now fast forward a bit. 

Blurry period arises, I find myself feeling lonely at all times. Nothing could fill the void inside my chest. 

I am LOST.

Headed “home” looking for a safe place to reconnect with my roots. All I found there were  challenges with my family. Daily conditioning triggers. Intensified loneliness among friends and a savior syndrome  embodiment through a second attempt relationship. All well known patterns to fall into. The Universe knew.. CHAOS :  EXACTLY WHAT WAS NEEDED.

What choices where left ? Resist, fight, swim again the current and lose myself for good OR embrace life, surrender to the current to carry me and show the way. 

Mid 2023 I made up my mind : Let’s walk. 

Santiago de Compostella (James’ Way) is a pilgrimage going across France and Spain about 1600 km long. “That should keep me busy for a while”

One day while walking across Spain a random encounter whim a Kiwi guy talking about horses. All became suddenly clear. New Zealand, this is where I am drawn to. For the first time in ages the decision felt right, this was the place. 

A whole bunch of experiences happened in between.. This would be something to read in Groundless. 

… 

11th of January, flying back from Australia to New Zealand. I have always been comfortable with my sexuality, cultivating an open mind. 

Swingers club was an experience I intended to try. I’ve always thought to myself that this is a personal experience I should have before settling down with the right person. 

Here we are, 15th of January 21:30 I find myself walking into a swingers club. Details are irrelevant and can be spared as the substantial part of the story unfolds the very next day. 

16th of January I am walking down Queen St in Auckland when a lady catches my attention. We start talking about yoga, Vipassana meditation and kirtan..

-“Oh, I haven’t sang kirtan in ages (since 2021 in Guatemala), it would be a true happiness to sing again!” 

– “We are hosting kirtan every Sunday at this place, you are most welcome to join us!”

After taking the details of the event, about to walk away the lady intercepted me again and said :

-“You should become a monk.. You work with horses, you are able to connect with horses, you are able to connect with people the same way.”

On my way I go, deeply confused by this last encounter suggesting to become a monk when remembering vividly the activities of the previous night.. What a paradox. Sacred intervention?.. 

Although confused I felt held and strongly guided by a Higher Energy (the Higher Self ?) Felt fully heart centered again.

A few days later I was meeting Rebekah for the first time who at first sight, mistook me for a monk…

(Are you while reading starting to put all the pieces together ?)

Her (omni) presence was radiating, her energy was glowing. Beaming light into the room. 

At this very moment I resonated with the decision taken on the pilgrimage to come to New Zealand. Everything has been in harmony and coherence leading to this specific moment.

We hope that perhaps everyone gets to experience Love like this in their lifetime.

Here we are, after months of wondering about starting a blog to share our adventures, it is finally time to take a deep breath a get typing.. 

Lucas:

To get some context here and set the picture, I am writing these words on FaceTime to Rebekah who’s actually in the shower while I am having a mildly cold soup directly from the pot. Right now she is brushing her teeth and waving at me. Yes, she is mesmerizing.. The cutest, she is trying her best to say something, trying to articulate during flossing. But there it is, nothing is impossible, information came through: The water in the shower is finally warm. 

I guess the famous saying makes full sense here, sharing is caring. 

Out of the furnace now, she is back on screen red as a lobster. 

The happiest person in the world to show me how loose her jammies pants are, combined with the storytelling about the said jammies falling down mid legs while lecturing a bunch of stoned teenagers yesterday evening.. 

She is now summoning me for the 23rd time over the last two minutes and a half to share the writing so she can put it on a google doc.. 

To be continued 

So, « WE » is Rebekah 45 (New Zealand woman) and Lucas 27 years old (Frenchman)…

Bex: 

We met at a Yoga practice, once briefly, and the next week more intensely. The rest is history.

It felt like we had known each other forever. It felt like we had lived lives together before. We have been inseparable in spirit ever since.

For now though, we are managing a long distance reality. He came to New Zealand for two months to visit me. I thought between marriage breakup, a really edgy fourteen year old son, an anxious ten year old daughter, and a big full time job in Health Management, AND unsure family members,  that he would run for the hills. Now we are trying to work out the partners visa process.

He has accepted the challenge and I think there is some pathology there, but I am grateful he has. He is calm, and funny, and moody,  and solid, and insightful, and willing to work through challenging conversations brought about by conditioning, and he is great at communicating. 

Lucas :

She is solar, determined in any matter she undertakes, some would define it at “stubbornness”, I would certainly agree. 

Other than that she independent and vulnerable, brave and courageous (expect when it’s about eating kidneys which are very good for health, but we’ll get back on this topic later on).

I could go rambling on and describe her for pages but that wouldn’t even the way she is seen within my heart. I’ll get straight to the point.

Most of all she is a Witch, she has always been. Not the kind of witch with a hairy pimple on her nose with a scary scraped hat, but the kind that casts spells to make your day brighter. Her magic wand spreads smiles everywhere she goes, anyone who interacts with her sees his life changed forever. Her hands are soft from crafting mixtures in her cauldron, her favorite one is commonly known as chicken salad). What about her flying broom.. It’s parked in the garage, she hopped on it every single morning but stays immobile (I think she forgot to put it in gear..) Whether it’s a flying broom or a simple fixed ground cross trainer, seeing the smile on her face when hopping on it undeniably makes my day. 

Oh, one last thing, the whole cross trainer ritual happens before I even wake up..

Being pathological is the best turn of events that could have ever happened to me.. 

Has the witch cast an insanity spell on me ? I guess we’ll never know, I am happy, and evenly, grateful the way it is. 

–

Bex:

In my defence about the  face is red from the sauna, not the hot shower..

He was looking so pleased with himself as he was writing. Now I see why.

He doesn’t tell you how he spent at least half an hour telling me to eat kidneys and liver because they are good for my kidneys, and not to eat protein supplements or creatine because they are evil white powder….

Lucas :

Indeed, I couldn’t describe how much of a titanic task it is to intend taking some sense into Rebekah. Taking white powder EVERY DAY, made of residual ground dead cows feels somehow healthier and more appropriate than having actual meat full of iron, protein, collagen and other nutrients.. 

Her defense ? Science. 

Science says it’s good, let take it !

Same science that said a few years ago that creatine had a terrible incidence on kidneys.. Start feeling the irony of it ? 

Anyway, she took a step towards me admitting she’d be willing to have kidneys with me. I was asking for once a week to reduce the incidence of the evil white powder, she conceded to once in a lifetime. What a bargain..

I guess one day I’ll unfortunately have a chance to quote the worldwide famous Doctor in Physics S. Cooper. 

“I told you so” saying mortified as entering the surgery theatre to operate a kidney transplant and get her a fresh new one. 

Unconditional Love, right ?

Bex:

Haha, this is a learning and teaching moment for both of us. Expect a literature review on the benefits of protein and creatine for long term health coming your way. 

It is fortunate that he is my best friend and I love talking to him about everything. We are good at working through things together, and we realise that we are humans with conditioning and histories that make us who we are today.