Today is the 6th of October, I have been in New Zealand 13 days. It has been two weeks since we started living together, permanently.
Throwback to my last few weeks in Australia prior moving in :
The last couple of weeks while still in Australia were challenging. They were filled with a lot of incertainty, emotional imbalance, therefore being easily irritated.
Had my flights booked about three weeks in advance for the 23rd of September. At a time where I could witness Rebekah undergoing through the process of burning out : challenges coming with a new VERY busy role, agitated altercations at home with teenager, unsettled younger child and lack of sleep on top of that. Me ? On the other side of the phone, across the Tasman Sea, what could I do ? One and only solution came to mind, to drop everything and run home to her. I think that when I first suggested it to her it amplified the unsettlement and raised abruptly some worries that were still unconscious at that time. After a couple of days giving her time to think about it, suppressing the precipitated character on the matter she mentioned feeling relieved by my proposal of coming sooner.
We came up with the plan that I could come around mid September. My manager needed me to cover some weekend work while he was away for family purposes. He has been good to me since we first worked together in a previous workplace and I couldn’t refuse or let him down on the matter.
Rebekah stood from a place of compassion and understanding on the situation, we agreed that I would then fly in on the 23rd of September.
That leaves us with two weeks remaining apart from each other. Those felt the most unsettling for me. I was seeing Rebekah slowly recovering from the edging burn out but in the meantime keeping herself overly busy.
From my point of view it felt like she intended to maintain a highly busy life for fear of connecting and embracing the soon to be living together. Looking at her daily life I wondered how and where I could fit in there.. She had everything organized, moving on track and I was gonna land in there shaking the balance she achieved ON HER OWN since I left in June.
It gave me an opportunity to become aware of another aspect of my conditioning, putting my finger on heavy triggers. The heaviest one being the hard time I’ve had in my life to set boundaries for myself and to get others to respect these boundaries. Having experienced it since early stages of life and reckoning the mirror effect in Rebekah on some aspect of daily scenes contributed to this anxiety of being transparent.
It felt like there was a struggle to communicate. It was hard to find time on both ends where we’d both be available. I remember being heavily triggered as I felt I had to put my life on “hold” to compromise to be able to talk while being present with each other. This at that time was a never-ending loop. The heavy trigger there was that it happened before in past relationships to have a perception that whatever I was doing was less important or less of a priority that the other person. Every time I was facing the same pattern occurring in a relationship, my different partners would come up with the same sort of justification and excuses. That what they were doing was more important or more of a priority and they could compromise on it. So this is what the situation brought up for me, the topic would become a source of conflict.
To add on top of everything the fact that we didn’t see each other for about two months. Missing Rebekah was a daily struggle, especially knowing that we would soon be together, it was like time could move fast enough..
During a conversation she said something innocently that would brighten up everything and bring me back to myself, to my Masculine.
It was a couple of days before leaving Australia, we were talking about something that I don’t recall and she mentioned “Something in you is out of alignment”. This simple quote was in fact the whole answer to my unsettlement. I was living ahead of my time, worrying about “ifs” and tomorrow when I couldn’t be Here and Now. Yes, I completely forgot about Today, about living in the present moment. I did prioritize my head to think over my heart of feel.
It changed the whole perception about the situation and it was divine timing, because then it was time to feel my way to New Zealand.
A new lifestyle, finding my marks in the house, within the family.
moiettoi 